Wednesday, November 21, 2007

Depression Sucks

It's that time of year again. The boys have their birthdays, then Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas. It all snowballs together. Once it's starts it doesn't stop until January. Every year I gear up and think I'm going to handle things a little bit better and then I end up repeating the craziness of the year before. This describes my life. Thinking, praying, trying to change things and yet I feel like I end up where I started. I guess I'm in a mood today. I'm in this mood a lot. Frustration, sadness and a bit of hopelessness. I feel like I run on the treadmill of life and don't really get anywhere. It's not without effort or trial...I don't ever truly give up and yet I still arrive in the same place. This place. Sometimes I wonder if it all has to do with the illness of depression. The illness I've prayed to be delivered from, the one I've taken medicine for on and off for 10 years. The one I can't seem to come to terms with. Maybe that's because even though I take drugs it still effects my everyday life. There are side effects from the meds for one thing... Yet even with the drugs I don't feel like I've overcome depression or that I have victory over it because I still feel so out of balance. Not normal. But, have I ever really known what normal feels like? Would I even like to feel normal? Just in the last 2 years, how many times have I come off of the drugs because of the weight gain or the sleepiness only to find myself crashed in a ditch a few months later. Then I have the guilt of what I've just put my family through because I don't like being fat or feeling sleepy. How selfish, right?
I'm in the process of doing the Beth Moore study Believing God. I am realizing that I don't believe that my circumstance will ever change. Forgive me Lord for not believing You. And yet I struggle with the balance of ; what do I need to except and what do I need to continue to press in and change? And once again, I feel as if I'm back where I started. I don't know the answer. I know God wants me to live a victorious life and I don't feel I have it. Something needs to change, but how? Today is a day where I feel like giving up. Tomorrow, I'm sure will be different.

I've joined the Blog world.

Not sure what this will become - maybe just an extension of a prayer journal. Maybe a place for me to get honest with myself. Maybe just a place to share about our family. Who knows... It should be interesting.