Friday, November 30, 2007

The Sin of Self Loathing

I feel like crying. I don't cry easily so when I feel like it, it doesn't usually happen. Once again it's for selfish self-focused reasons but I feel it just the same. I just saw a good friend today who had a baby 4 months ago and in her words she's FINALLY back into her old clothes but so frustrated that she still has 10 lbs to lose. Meanwhile, she hasn't done a thing to encourage this weight loss. She refuses to eat low-calorie, low-fat food and hasn't had time to exercise. Still, the pregnancy pounds just melt away. I am surrounded by people like this. Then there's me. I wrestle with my food choices everyday, go to the gym 5 days a week usually for 2 hours and still manage to gain weight if I let up for a second. It's not fair. And of course I know that life is not fair but I just feel so defeated in this area - like I'm never going to win, like I'm always going to be tortured by this. Believe me, I've tried every method there is out there but I seem to only be able to keep up the momentum for so long...and then those 10 lbs I just lost come right back. Then I feel like a failure and loathe myself. It's horrible and ungodly and wrong. But there it is. Life is not fair and it's not going to be fair. Things aren't going to change because I don't like it. I'm never going to be one of "those" who doesn't have to work hard to be thin. I just need to accept it but how do I do that? How do I keep from feeling this way? Once again I want victory but I have prayed about this for so many years I've come to a point of believing this is the Thorn that God doesn't want to take from me. How do I reconcile this?

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Worship? Concert? Worship Concert?

While out of town for the holidays I got the chance to visit a church in Atlanta. I can't stop thinking about it. The worship was very different from our church - well everything was different. There were camera men on all the instruments, split screens of the musicians, guitar solos. I wasn't sure if I was at a concert or a worship service. Judging by the congregational response they weren't sure either. I know this church is geared to the 20 something age group. They are extremely good at what they do. Everything is given 110 percent. And honestly that was a breath of fresh air. The perfectionist in me loved that!! But I find myself wondering what's the point? What is the point of all the "stuff". (Of course the Pope would be saying the exact same thing to me about our church!) Don't get me wrong, I love contemporary worship. I'm the girl who jumps around in circles and yells "Jesus rocks", and He does! But, do the words worship & concert go together? I mean, are people being drawn into a deep and meaningful and personal relationship with Jesus Christ this way? Once they are drawn in do they grow? I'm sure the answer is "yes" but how do all the bells and whistles contribute to that? Maybe you're supposed to "graduate" to another church after a time... I don't know the answers. I know I don't share the "seeker sensitive" calling. I don't really get it. But, maybe I'm dense. I've been at these churches and I've watched them grow but I've never been challenged and at times I feel the Gospel is being watered-down so not to offend. Ouch. I'm sure I'm stepping on toes here... but I wonder why this way of church has become so popular? I honestly want to understand it and support it, not be judgmental. Can you enlighten me? Please share your thoughts.