Thursday, October 8, 2009

Round 5 starts off with a blow

April made it safely here on Tuesday morning, and we've had a great visit together.  She was able to go to Micah's soccer game with us and see Muzzy & Pop and Grand Do Do, as well as witness Micah scoring 3 goals!  Then Grandma Kathie was so kind to watch the kids so Ape and I could go out.  We had a wonderful dinner downtown at SNOB (Slightly North of Broad) and relaxed on the Vendue Inn Roof Top Bar.  The weather was perfect, and the company was even better!  I am so thankful to have her here and sad that she has to fly back home today.

Forester's round 5  began yesterday.  As always, he had a hearing test first.  The results this time were not what we hoped.  Forester has had significant high frequency hearing loss as a direct result of the crucial chemotherapy drug, Cisplatin. As I have mentioned in previous posts, this loss is permanent - not temporary.  As you can imagine, we were devastated by this news.  If we have to make a choice between returning cancer or hearing loss, of course we would choose hearing loss.  But who wants to "choose" either one at all?? Who doesn't want their child to be completely whole?  He's been through so much already, he's endured so much already....not this too.  I think I am particularly heartbroken over this because I have prayed constantly that God would protect him from this.  I have asked all of you to pray, and I constantly remind my closest friends to pray about his hearing.  We had several people pray over him at church specifically asking God to protect him from this.  These sad results are common, but I truly believe that God is bigger than that.  I do!  So, why didn't He do it?  Why didn't He answer my prayer and protect him from this?  My sweet boy, who feels music in his bones, who loves to sing and dance, who wants to play the piano and drums.  Hearing is important to us all but especially so for this musical family and this musical boy.  I know that God's ways are higher than our ways.  I know we cannot understand the mind of God, but to be honest, I feel heartbroken by Him.  I feel like I put myself out there, believing wholeheartedly in His protection, and He broke my heart. I truly believed this wouldn't happen.  I feel the fool.   Do I love my Jesus any less?  No.  Do I believe that God IS who He says He is? Yes.  Do I still trust Him? Yes.  Do I believe that God can restore Forester's hearing?  Absolutely. But, am I hurting? Yes. Do I understand it all?  Never.

Forester's Cisplatin dose was reduced by 25% in hopes of preventing any more damage to his hearing.  We asked about the ramifications of stopping Cisplatin altogether, but we were told by his doctors it is crucial for treating Medulloblastomas and especially crucial in Forester's case since his tumor was anaplastic.  I will continue to beg you for your prayers.  That this 25% reduction will keep him from having any more hearing loss.  Pray that the amount that he has lost will be restored.  That he won't need hearing aids. Pray for my broken heart and for the strength to continue to watch my child endure this horror for the next 2 months.

Due to Forester's specific gravity in his urine (too concentrated) they had to have him on fluids all day yesterday and chemo didn't start until midnight.  This means an additional 12 hours or so in the hospital.  This made Forester very sad as he is always anxious to get home as soon as possible.  We hope he will be discharged by Sunday night.  Please pray for Forester's spirits and that the time will go by fast for him.  Pray that he won't have severe vomiting like he did last month.   Ugh.  Just pray.

Thankful for another day in spite of my tears,

(pictures from yesterday)