5 weeks ago
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
I know my posts don't come as frequently these days and I'm sorry for that (for those of you who care). I still can't believe anyone actually reads my blog!
Ultimately, less posts is a praise because there hasn't been as much to report as things are starting to fall into a pattern of normal. Lately, I've found myself being annoyed by all this rainy weather we've had in Charleston, looking down at my toes and thinking that they really need attention and feeling a little overwhelmed by the big task of cleaning out the kids closets of all the stuff they are outgrowing. Why is this significant? Because the day that Forester was diagnosed, when I was driving home with Forester from the hospital with only a tiny sentence of information, "he has a brain tumor" and nothing else, I instantly began to think about all the trivial things that consume us. I literally thought "all these people in these cars passing me by have no idea that I just learned that my 7 year old has a brain tumor". I saw a women drumming her perfect gel nails on her steering wheel and thought, "I can't believe people actually care about fingernails!" I can't believe we waste time honking at the slow car in front of us and getting angry - who cares! And, who knows what kind of day that person is having. I can't believe we care about Brad & Angelina. None of it matters. All of these things were flying through my mind in an instant. In the next several hours I thought, I don't care if I live in a shack, don't have a car, wear clothes that have holes in it and bathe in a creek. I don't care. I just want my baby to be ok. Through out the next several days and weeks I would get angry over the Facebook statuses I would read. Really? You're mad because someone always misspells definitely? You're complaining because you're "stuck" indoors all day with your kids? You have got to be kidding me.
And yet, here I am almost a year later reverting back to the "old me". Thumbing through the People magazine while checking out at the grocery, seriously considering whether or not quarterly pedicures could be worked into the budget (the answer is no, btw), and posting trivial Facebook statuses that include counting down the hours until my children are asleep and complaining about a puppy who keeps peeing in the kitchen. How have I managed to lose perspective? Why do we lose it?
Then, I receive an email from a local cancer kids organization letting me know that 2 MUSC children have passed away. One of them from a brain tumor. And my heart stops and I can't breathe. Instantly, I regain persepective. And I pray "Lord, I need you... I'm freaking out and I need you. I'm scared to death that will be my child one day." I also happened across another mom's blog today. http://laylagrace.org Her 2 year old daughter is now in the process of dying from Neuroblastoma. Usually, I run from anything like this because I just can't bear to read it. But, today for some reason I read. I can relate to her posts on so many levels. She was "just a mom" like me. She had a happy healthy little girl until May when they were stunned with the diagnosis of cancer. And like us, they have taken so many aggressive steps to kill this cancer and in the process watched their child suffer. Like us, they have a strong faith in God, asked Him for miracles, & believe in power of prayer. Some of her posts sounds so similar to my own. But, there is a huge difference. Treatment didn't kill the cancer. It's continued to overtake Layla Grace's body and now she is in the last days of her life. They are currently living my biggest fear. My heart completely breaks for them. And again in an instant, I understand what really matters. I would encourage you to read the latest post on Layla Grace's site. Especially if you're a mom. For me, I know what it's like to want to hear your kids fighting with each other again. Wanting your child to be healthy enough to have to say "calm down" and for those things to be the biggest stresses of the day. I longed for it! And, now it's here. Praise God! But, instead of being thankful for the silliness that's getting out of control at the dinner table I'm getting angry. And, I'm not reading Forester and Micah a story before bed because I feel like I have too much laundry to get to....perspective lost.
Thanks to Layla Grace and her family I have it back. Who cares about a messy house or piles of laundry. I'll get it done eventually. Today I'm going to BE with my children. Play with them, hold them, and enjoy the moment. I may even let them sleep in my bed tonight! I pray that God continues to remind me of what really matters and just how blessed I am. I pray that he will continue to show me how to live and love in the moment and cherish the gifts he's given me.
I pray the same for you. And I ask you to stop for a moment and pray for a family who is about to lose their precious Layla Grace, to the nasty monster called cancer.
Posted by WhitneyB at 5:18 PM