Friday, November 30, 2007

The Sin of Self Loathing

I feel like crying. I don't cry easily so when I feel like it, it doesn't usually happen. Once again it's for selfish self-focused reasons but I feel it just the same. I just saw a good friend today who had a baby 4 months ago and in her words she's FINALLY back into her old clothes but so frustrated that she still has 10 lbs to lose. Meanwhile, she hasn't done a thing to encourage this weight loss. She refuses to eat low-calorie, low-fat food and hasn't had time to exercise. Still, the pregnancy pounds just melt away. I am surrounded by people like this. Then there's me. I wrestle with my food choices everyday, go to the gym 5 days a week usually for 2 hours and still manage to gain weight if I let up for a second. It's not fair. And of course I know that life is not fair but I just feel so defeated in this area - like I'm never going to win, like I'm always going to be tortured by this. Believe me, I've tried every method there is out there but I seem to only be able to keep up the momentum for so long...and then those 10 lbs I just lost come right back. Then I feel like a failure and loathe myself. It's horrible and ungodly and wrong. But there it is. Life is not fair and it's not going to be fair. Things aren't going to change because I don't like it. I'm never going to be one of "those" who doesn't have to work hard to be thin. I just need to accept it but how do I do that? How do I keep from feeling this way? Once again I want victory but I have prayed about this for so many years I've come to a point of believing this is the Thorn that God doesn't want to take from me. How do I reconcile this?

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Worship? Concert? Worship Concert?

While out of town for the holidays I got the chance to visit a church in Atlanta. I can't stop thinking about it. The worship was very different from our church - well everything was different. There were camera men on all the instruments, split screens of the musicians, guitar solos. I wasn't sure if I was at a concert or a worship service. Judging by the congregational response they weren't sure either. I know this church is geared to the 20 something age group. They are extremely good at what they do. Everything is given 110 percent. And honestly that was a breath of fresh air. The perfectionist in me loved that!! But I find myself wondering what's the point? What is the point of all the "stuff". (Of course the Pope would be saying the exact same thing to me about our church!) Don't get me wrong, I love contemporary worship. I'm the girl who jumps around in circles and yells "Jesus rocks", and He does! But, do the words worship & concert go together? I mean, are people being drawn into a deep and meaningful and personal relationship with Jesus Christ this way? Once they are drawn in do they grow? I'm sure the answer is "yes" but how do all the bells and whistles contribute to that? Maybe you're supposed to "graduate" to another church after a time... I don't know the answers. I know I don't share the "seeker sensitive" calling. I don't really get it. But, maybe I'm dense. I've been at these churches and I've watched them grow but I've never been challenged and at times I feel the Gospel is being watered-down so not to offend. Ouch. I'm sure I'm stepping on toes here... but I wonder why this way of church has become so popular? I honestly want to understand it and support it, not be judgmental. Can you enlighten me? Please share your thoughts.

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

Depression Sucks

It's that time of year again. The boys have their birthdays, then Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas. It all snowballs together. Once it's starts it doesn't stop until January. Every year I gear up and think I'm going to handle things a little bit better and then I end up repeating the craziness of the year before. This describes my life. Thinking, praying, trying to change things and yet I feel like I end up where I started. I guess I'm in a mood today. I'm in this mood a lot. Frustration, sadness and a bit of hopelessness. I feel like I run on the treadmill of life and don't really get anywhere. It's not without effort or trial...I don't ever truly give up and yet I still arrive in the same place. This place. Sometimes I wonder if it all has to do with the illness of depression. The illness I've prayed to be delivered from, the one I've taken medicine for on and off for 10 years. The one I can't seem to come to terms with. Maybe that's because even though I take drugs it still effects my everyday life. There are side effects from the meds for one thing... Yet even with the drugs I don't feel like I've overcome depression or that I have victory over it because I still feel so out of balance. Not normal. But, have I ever really known what normal feels like? Would I even like to feel normal? Just in the last 2 years, how many times have I come off of the drugs because of the weight gain or the sleepiness only to find myself crashed in a ditch a few months later. Then I have the guilt of what I've just put my family through because I don't like being fat or feeling sleepy. How selfish, right?
I'm in the process of doing the Beth Moore study Believing God. I am realizing that I don't believe that my circumstance will ever change. Forgive me Lord for not believing You. And yet I struggle with the balance of ; what do I need to except and what do I need to continue to press in and change? And once again, I feel as if I'm back where I started. I don't know the answer. I know God wants me to live a victorious life and I don't feel I have it. Something needs to change, but how? Today is a day where I feel like giving up. Tomorrow, I'm sure will be different.

I've joined the Blog world.

Not sure what this will become - maybe just an extension of a prayer journal. Maybe a place for me to get honest with myself. Maybe just a place to share about our family. Who knows... It should be interesting.