Friday, November 30, 2007

The Sin of Self Loathing

I feel like crying. I don't cry easily so when I feel like it, it doesn't usually happen. Once again it's for selfish self-focused reasons but I feel it just the same. I just saw a good friend today who had a baby 4 months ago and in her words she's FINALLY back into her old clothes but so frustrated that she still has 10 lbs to lose. Meanwhile, she hasn't done a thing to encourage this weight loss. She refuses to eat low-calorie, low-fat food and hasn't had time to exercise. Still, the pregnancy pounds just melt away. I am surrounded by people like this. Then there's me. I wrestle with my food choices everyday, go to the gym 5 days a week usually for 2 hours and still manage to gain weight if I let up for a second. It's not fair. And of course I know that life is not fair but I just feel so defeated in this area - like I'm never going to win, like I'm always going to be tortured by this. Believe me, I've tried every method there is out there but I seem to only be able to keep up the momentum for so long...and then those 10 lbs I just lost come right back. Then I feel like a failure and loathe myself. It's horrible and ungodly and wrong. But there it is. Life is not fair and it's not going to be fair. Things aren't going to change because I don't like it. I'm never going to be one of "those" who doesn't have to work hard to be thin. I just need to accept it but how do I do that? How do I keep from feeling this way? Once again I want victory but I have prayed about this for so many years I've come to a point of believing this is the Thorn that God doesn't want to take from me. How do I reconcile this?


steve and randel hambrick said...

girlfriend! i hate that you feel that way- but i totally understand. knowing in your head that you arent defined by a number on a scale, but still being caught up in what that number says. and how you look- and what people think. i get it. i felt that way for years...for me, weight watchers was the ticket to actually losing the weight. i was FINALLY able to get to a weight i'm content with, and was able to lose 25 pounds. i thought i was eating healthy food, etc. before, but weight watchers revealed alot of things i needed to adjust. have you tried that yet? (not to give you advice or another suggestion).. by the way, i do NOT believe this is God's thorn for you- NOTHING in me does. maybe it's your medicine too- there are other options with less side effects, you know?? i love you. that's all.

April said...

Hey! So after I finish crying to you about myself and we hang up, I finally remember that I haven't read your blog yet. I am sorry. The whole thing sucks - the depression, the weight issues, the self-loathing... I am praying for you, and I love you. In all honestly, you are truly one of the most (if not, the most) beautiful person I know in every way. LOVE YOU!!!