Surrender

A dear friend asked me the other day, "Are you not soo excited that this 6 weeks is over?" I said "yes" but I know my answer wasn't too convincing. I am glad that the first chapter of this long road is over but I can't help but still see the long road. I am thankful we have survived thus far. I am thankful that Forester is living and breathing. I am thankful that we are not still at the beginning. I've never run a marathon but I'm sure it's a great analogy for this. I'm glad I've conquered 6 miles but I still have 20 to go!

Today I'm just feeling sad. I realized that Slade will be 18 months old when Forester is finished with treatment. I have yet to log a single thing in her baby book. I don't want her first 18 months to be a blur to me. I want to absorb every moment, but how?

I miss our Charleston Christian School family. We were there everyday and then all of a sudden it's no longer our routine. I feel that empty space. I miss my friends. I feel so out of the loop of what used to be my "normal" life. Normal just doesn't exist right now. Maybe I'm grieving that loss. Not sure. I'm really just typing whatever comes to mind so I'm sorry if it's disjointed and hard to understand. My mind is not easy to understand. :-)

I am so thankful for St. Andrews, our church family. You are holding me up in more ways than you know. Yesterday was so good for me and yet so hard. In worship we sang, "I Surrender" . You may know it but here are the lyrics:

I'm giving you my heart, and all that is within

I lay it all down for the sake of you my King

I'm giving you my dreams, I'm laying down my rights

I'm giving up my pride for the promise of new life

And I surrender all to you, all to you

And I surrender all to you, all to you

I'm singing You this song, I'm waiting at the cross

And all the world holds dear, I count it all as loss

For the sake of knowing You for the glory of Your name

To know the lasting joy, even sharing in Your pain

In the midst of singing this song I began to struggle. Am I really willing to surrender all to Him? Even the life of my son? Can I lay Forester on the altar, willing to let the Lord take him? In my mind I began to scream, "No, No, No! Please don't take him, save him please! I don't want to let him go, I don't want to lay him down, I don't want to surrender him." Not him. But then I realized, what choice do I have? And what better hands to lay him in then in the hands of my Savior, Jesus Christ, who loves Forester more than me? He can heal him. He can love him better than I can. And, if it's His will, He can take him. (it took me 15 minutes to type that sentence) I pray that he doesn't. I pray that he completely heals Forester's body. I pray that he lives a long life proclaiming what the Lord has done and will do! But, I trust my Savior and I surrender to Him and His plans for our lives. Whatever that may look like. I surrender.

So, maybe I'm sad today because surrender is not easy and it is not without pain. Many dreams died the day Forester was diagnosed. New dreams have been born. Better dreams and more important ones for sure. But, the process is painful. Today I'm living in the pain.

But joy will come in the morning.

Psalm 30

I will exalt you, O LORD, for you lifted me out of the depths

and did not let my enemies gloat over me.
O LORD my God, I called to you for help and you healed me.
O LORD, you brought me up from the grave;

you spared me from going down into the pit.
Sing to the LORD, you saints of his; praise his holy name.
For his anger lasts only a moment, but his favor lasts a lifetime;

weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning.
When I felt secure, I said, "I will never be shaken."
O LORD, when you favored me, you made my mountain stand firm;

but when you hid your face, I was dismayed.
To you, O LORD, I called; to the Lord I cried for mercy:
"What gain is there in my destruction, in my going down into the pit?

Will the dust praise you? Will it proclaim your faithfulness?
Hear, O LORD, and be merciful to me; O LORD, be my help."
You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy,
that my heart may sing to you and not be silent.

O LORD my God, I will give you thanks forever.

(emphasis mine)