Monday, May 4, 2009

Surrender





A dear friend asked me the other day, "Are you not soo excited that this 6 weeks is over?" I said "yes" but I know my answer wasn't too convincing. I am glad that the first chapter of this long road is over but I can't help but still see the long road. I am thankful we have survived thus far. I am thankful that Forester is living and breathing. I am thankful that we are not still at the beginning. I've never run a marathon but I'm sure it's a great analogy for this. I'm glad I've conquered 6 miles but I still have 20 to go!

Today I'm just feeling sad. I realized that Slade will be 18 months old when Forester is finished with treatment. I have yet to log a single thing in her baby book. I don't want her first 18 months to be a blur to me. I want to absorb every moment, but how?
I miss our Charleston Christian School family. We were there everyday and then all of a sudden it's no longer our routine. I feel that empty space. I miss my friends. I feel so out of the loop of what used to be my "normal" life. Normal just doesn't exist right now. Maybe I'm grieving that loss. Not sure. I'm really just typing whatever comes to mind so I'm sorry if it's disjointed and hard to understand. My mind is not easy to understand. :-)
I am so thankful for St. Andrews, our church family. You are holding me up in more ways than you know. Yesterday was so good for me and yet so hard. In worship we sang, "I Surrender" . You may know it but here are the lyrics:


I'm giving you my heart, and all that is within

I lay it all down for the sake of you my King

I'm giving you my dreams, I'm laying down my rights

I'm giving up my pride for the promise of new life


And I surrender all to you, all to you

And I surrender all to you, all to you


I'm singing You this song, I'm waiting at the cross

And all the world holds dear, I count it all as loss

For the sake of knowing You for the glory of Your name

To know the lasting joy, even sharing in Your pain


In the midst of singing this song I began to struggle. Am I really willing to surrender all to Him? Even the life of my son? Can I lay Forester on the altar, willing to let the Lord take him? In my mind I began to scream, "No, No, No! Please don't take him, save him please! I don't want to let him go, I don't want to lay him down, I don't want to surrender him." Not him. But then I realized, what choice do I have? And what better hands to lay him in then in the hands of my Savior, Jesus Christ, who loves Forester more than me? He can heal him. He can love him better than I can. And, if it's His will, He can take him. (it took me 15 minutes to type that sentence) I pray that he doesn't. I pray that he completely heals Forester's body. I pray that he lives a long life proclaiming what the Lord has done and will do! But, I trust my Savior and I surrender to Him and His plans for our lives. Whatever that may look like. I surrender.


So, maybe I'm sad today because surrender is not easy and it is not without pain. Many dreams died the day Forester was diagnosed. New dreams have been born. Better dreams and more important ones for sure. But, the process is painful. Today I'm living in the pain.

But joy will come in the morning.


Psalm 30


I will exalt you, O LORD, for you lifted me out of the depths

and did not let my enemies gloat over me.
O LORD my God, I called to you for help and you healed me.
O LORD, you brought me up from the grave;

you spared me from going down into the pit.
Sing to the LORD, you saints of his; praise his holy name.
For his anger lasts only a moment, but his favor lasts a lifetime;

weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning.
When I felt secure, I said, "I will never be shaken."
O LORD, when you favored me, you made my mountain stand firm;

but when you hid your face, I was dismayed.
To you, O LORD, I called; to the Lord I cried for mercy:
"What gain is there in my destruction, in my going down into the pit?

Will the dust praise you? Will it proclaim your faithfulness?
Hear, O LORD, and be merciful to me; O LORD, be my help."
You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy,
that my heart may sing to you and not be silent.

O LORD my God, I will give you thanks forever.

(emphasis mine)

12 comments:

Tracey said...

If you were to forward photos and comments about those photos to those of us in the digi-scrapping community, and tell us what size pages you like, you'd get your little girl all scrapped. Of course then you do have to deal with our mix of crazy scrapping styles. But that would be half the fun, right? Otherwise, make notes on calendars and save those calendars for the day you can put things down in a more permanent way.
Smiles and warm wishes,
Tracey Monette
Clever Monkey Graphics

Adrienne Kleeman said...

Your honesty is humbling... I am praying for you all daily.

Adrienne

ckws said...

Thanks for opening your heart, Whitney. No words.... but tears and prayers.....

John said...

So sorry you have to run this marathon. Not leaving your side in prayer. Love you girl. - Virginia

The Swaneys said...

I'm so proud of you Whitney. I'm trying to get where you are in my effort to "surrender all". I love you. Katie

amanda said...

whit-
in your candid honesty you are such an example to me. the holy spirit is so evidently working through you in this valley you are walking.

on the way home from church yesterday, stacy and i were discussing what they Lord had revealed to us. we are on the "journey to pentecost" and the theme of the message was how the Holy Spirit not only wants our life, but how he wants to TRANSFORM our life. i know the road you are walking is life-transforming, and i just wanted you to know that you are helping to transform ours as well. i don't know why this is happening to your wonderful family, but i do know that God is being glorified through it and using it to transform the lives of those your family touches.

stacy said that forester was on his heart a lot yesterday during the service and that he spent a lot of time praying for him. may the Lord hear our cries!!! you are close to our hearts everyday, dear friends. we love you.

Shannon said...

All I know is there is healing in surrendering ALL to Him...and blessings. Difficult to do...I can only imagine. He can really work with your honesty..you've given Him your heart girl---that's the best you can give. He holds each tear you cry. Rest in Him...Joy comes!!!

The Q family said...

Your life is being transformed and transformation hurts! He is burning away the imperfection, and that is NEVER easy, but He has not placed you in this fire and walked away. He is holding you, watching, waiting for His perfect timing and watching for His reflection. I pray that you don't have to sacrifice Forester's earthly body, in fact I've cried out to God for that, but your willingness is what He wants, His trust is what He wants. He is not asking you to be happy about it, but He does want the trust even when the feelings don't line up...maybe ESPECIALLY when they don't line up! We will be praying you through every step of the next 20 miles! Here's a link to a blog that might help encourage you on this incredibly long, hard journey. http://longwhiteline.blogspot.com/2009/05/six-feet.html

Jane said...

I feel this Whitney, thank you for sharing so openly. I too felt like I lost so much of Simon's babyhood to Ramona's illness (hers too!). I can't say it doesn't still bother me that we lose time to the doctors, to the stress and worry. My biggest battle is to stay present and try and connect with my kids even in the midst of the stress. I tell myself there might never be a time when everything is "normal". This may be it!

It does comfort me to know that there are a lot of ways to raise a family. And that being a family is just based on togetherness. It doesn't have to be what you thought it would or what others have. As long as you have each other, your kids will learn from you how to gracefully weather good and bad.

You are a good mom. I am praying for you guys. I am available to talk any time, day or night.Just to know you're not alone and what you're feeling is normal I think:

http://ramonamae.com/2008/survivor-tears/

http://ramonamae.com/2007/on-togetherness/

Teresa said...

ah Tracey...you are a sweetheart! Whitney....really there is a whole crew of digi scrappers that would definitely scrapbook Slades days for you...if you ever want to send the pics grouped month by month I will head up the crew of getting that done...Tracey is one of the designers chipping in to help on the trip kit and book :)

but I came in here to post....I want to cry sooo hard reading your post...I have not been to where you are but in praying for Forester and thinking of yall I have thought so much as a mom of being at that edge and the emotions are all over me seeing how God brought you to that place and I can imagine that 15 minutes it took you...fearing if you wrote it would it happen how could you handle it??? I just want you to know you are precious and I am thankful with you that God knows the plans He has for us...I pray with you that His plan is for Forester to be an old old man who bears MUCH fruit for the kingdom over his life!

love you girl!!! so glad you are being transparent and allowing yourself all the feelings!

((hugs))

Thesupermanns said...

May GOD equip you with all you need while you run the race...( the marathon..as you put it so well. Thinking of you...

Mrs. Ozz said...

Whit,
God is bringing you through one of the most important (and difficult) steps--surrender. We've been there with Caden and truthfully we are repeatedly taken back to this one thing. How easy it is to "retake" control then have to re-surrender. Every surgery shines a light on the truth that our son's life lies completely in His hands. But oh, let me testify to the freedom in surrendering! Hank and I came to this place before one of his heart surgeries. I found that I needed to vocalize that whatever the outcome, I would never turn from my Lord Jesus. After coming to this place with Caden, we went through the process of giving all our children to Him. There is such a peace in surrendering to Him. I pray that you will arrive there to rest in Him. No, the process in getting there is not easy- but necessary!
I also thought I'd let you know that JJ doesn't have ANY photos scrapbooked and he's 21 months old...I'll catch up one day!
Sending our love and prayers,
Osborne family