The Battle That Satan Won

Last night we got word that my cousin, Noah, overdosed yesterday and died. It's devastating and sad on so many levels. Noah is one of 4 children of my Dad's brother, Mike. I believe he was 26. He started doing drugs when he was 10 years old and has never stopped except for the occasional stint in wilderness camp and more recently in jail. Noah was sentenced to prison a few years ago for attempted murder because he stabbed a guy. This of course was related to the drugs. It seemed prison was the best thing that had happened to him. He had transformed himself inside and out. He was released from prison shortly after thanksgiving and only survived in the real world a few short months. Here is an excerpt from an email my Dad sent about Noah's release. It seems so hopeful which makes it all the more sad.

"I visited Mike after Thanksgiving, learned this good news: Noah gets out of prison tomorrow. Mike and Norma say he is profoundly changed inside and outside. Outside, the skinny, unhealthy kid has become a competition bodybuilder. He now weighs 210 pounds. He'll be living at Mike & Norma's, working for Mike. You might want to drop him a note to tell him that you care and that you're praying for him. I don't think he has many people who do either."

I feel horribly guilty. I didn't write him in prison. I didn't write him a letter when he got home. In fact, the last time I saw Noah he was probably 10 and before that he was 2. I don't even know what he looks like as an adult. I want to post a picture of him but I don't have one. And yet, he's my family...and he's gone. My dad has been asked to speak at his funeral and I know he is agonizing over this. He is devastated by this loss. And, what do you say?? We know Noah read the Bible in prison but we don't know if he was saved. I don't think there are many positive things to say about the way this drug addict behaved - he wasn't himself , ever. At least not after the age of 10. He wasn't the person God created him to be. He was a drug addict. I wonder who that person was under the addiction. I wonder what the plans were that God designed when He created him. Before the enemy had him in his clutches and took him down. I'm just sad. Really sad. Sad that I didn't try. Sad that I didn't share Christ with him. Sad that he's gone. He was in North Carolina. I could have visited him. I could have gone and come home in one day. One day. But, I'm sure the deeds of "that day" were too overwhelming. Like any of that crap matters. Not really. Not when it comes to salvation. Life or death.

I'm learning a lesson and it's a painful one.

Please pray for our family and my Uncle Mike, Aunt Norma, and Noah's siblings, Shane (wife, Deepa), Josh, and Claire (husband, Preston).

UPDATE: Noah was a Christian. He gave his life to Christ in 2005 while in jail and completed several formal Bible studies which he was very proud of. He lost his battle with addiction. He fell asleep in this world but woke up in the arms of Jesus. Praise God! Therefore, we can be sad and miss him but rejoice that his struggle is finally over and he is truly free.

Balance?

It's been way too long since my last post. I feel horrible that my last post was up for so long because that was a really bad day. Really bad day. I don't always feel that way, and I guess it just felt good to get it out since I'm not a crier. Perspective is everything! Yes, I may struggle but I am so incredibly blessed. I have a body that functions well, feet that can walk or run, all 5 senses, a roof over my head, food to eat, a husband who loves me and children that teach me more about who God is and how He loves us , and more than I EVER wanted to know about myself (ouch!). My life is my dream come true. I LOVE my life!!!



Moving on...it's a new year and I'm not one for resolutions. Why set myself up for failure? (tee hee). I do try to set monthly or quarterly goals though. If I don't accomplish them then I move them to the next month or quarter - not as much pressure but still working on something. This month my main focus is to DE CLUTTER my house! We moved into this house a year and a half ago and there are still boxes in a closet that have never been reopened since moving. I'm guessing we don't need whatever is in there. I'm not the most organized person but I wish that I was. I think people like Katie Brown are amazing (not my sister, she's more than amazing!...the TV chick) . I am constantly purchasing things that will get me organized. I LOVE the Container Store. Strangely enough, I still have little piles of things everywhere. Hmmmm. What does that mean? It must be my strong Sanguine personality that gets in the way. Why unload and load the dishwasher when you can play Chutes and Ladders with the kids instead? In that moment, I honestly could care less what my kitchen looks like - it's just stuff, it's just dishes. Does it matter? Eventually, yes. So, I want to find the balance. I love that I am spontaneous, and that my schedule is packed. I may run around like a crazy person sometimes and I'm always drowning in laundry, but I truly believe my life is more fun! ...until I'm completely overwhelmed with all that needs to be done around here. So, maybe my goal this YEAR should be balance. I think I could apply this principal to every aspect in my life. ...but that's a topic for another blog.


I'm off to reorganize! Anyone wanna come over and help me?

The Sin of Self Loathing

I feel like crying. I don't cry easily so when I feel like it, it doesn't usually happen. Once again it's for selfish self-focused reasons but I feel it just the same. I just saw a good friend today who had a baby 4 months ago and in her words she's FINALLY back into her old clothes but so frustrated that she still has 10 lbs to lose. Meanwhile, she hasn't done a thing to encourage this weight loss. She refuses to eat low-calorie, low-fat food and hasn't had time to exercise. Still, the pregnancy pounds just melt away. I am surrounded by people like this. Then there's me. I wrestle with my food choices everyday, go to the gym 5 days a week usually for 2 hours and still manage to gain weight if I let up for a second. It's not fair. And of course I know that life is not fair but I just feel so defeated in this area - like I'm never going to win, like I'm always going to be tortured by this. Believe me, I've tried every method there is out there but I seem to only be able to keep up the momentum for so long...and then those 10 lbs I just lost come right back. Then I feel like a failure and loathe myself. It's horrible and ungodly and wrong. But there it is. Life is not fair and it's not going to be fair. Things aren't going to change because I don't like it. I'm never going to be one of "those" who doesn't have to work hard to be thin. I just need to accept it but how do I do that? How do I keep from feeling this way? Once again I want victory but I have prayed about this for so many years I've come to a point of believing this is the Thorn that God doesn't want to take from me. How do I reconcile this?

Worship? Concert? Worship Concert?

While out of town for the holidays I got the chance to visit a church in Atlanta. I can't stop thinking about it. The worship was very different from our church - well everything was different. There were camera men on all the instruments, split screens of the musicians, guitar solos. I wasn't sure if I was at a concert or a worship service. Judging by the congregational response they weren't sure either. I know this church is geared to the 20 something age group. They are extremely good at what they do. Everything is given 110 percent. And honestly that was a breath of fresh air. The perfectionist in me loved that!! But I find myself wondering what's the point? What is the point of all the "stuff". (Of course the Pope would be saying the exact same thing to me about our church!) Don't get me wrong, I love contemporary worship. I'm the girl who jumps around in circles and yells "Jesus rocks", and He does! But, do the words worship & concert go together? I mean, are people being drawn into a deep and meaningful and personal relationship with Jesus Christ this way? Once they are drawn in do they grow? I'm sure the answer is "yes" but how do all the bells and whistles contribute to that? Maybe you're supposed to "graduate" to another church after a time... I don't know the answers. I know I don't share the "seeker sensitive" calling. I don't really get it. But, maybe I'm dense. I've been at these churches and I've watched them grow but I've never been challenged and at times I feel the Gospel is being watered-down so not to offend. Ouch. I'm sure I'm stepping on toes here... but I wonder why this way of church has become so popular? I honestly want to understand it and support it, not be judgmental. Can you enlighten me? Please share your thoughts.

Depression Sucks

It's that time of year again. The boys have their birthdays, then Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas. It all snowballs together. Once it's starts it doesn't stop until January. Every year I gear up and think I'm going to handle things a little bit better and then I end up repeating the craziness of the year before. This describes my life. Thinking, praying, trying to change things and yet I feel like I end up where I started. I guess I'm in a mood today. I'm in this mood a lot. Frustration, sadness and a bit of hopelessness. I feel like I run on the treadmill of life and don't really get anywhere. It's not without effort or trial...I don't ever truly give up and yet I still arrive in the same place. This place. Sometimes I wonder if it all has to do with the illness of depression. The illness I've prayed to be delivered from, the one I've taken medicine for on and off for 10 years. The one I can't seem to come to terms with. Maybe that's because even though I take drugs it still effects my everyday life. There are side effects from the meds for one thing... Yet even with the drugs I don't feel like I've overcome depression or that I have victory over it because I still feel so out of balance. Not normal. But, have I ever really known what normal feels like? Would I even like to feel normal? Just in the last 2 years, how many times have I come off of the drugs because of the weight gain or the sleepiness only to find myself crashed in a ditch a few months later. Then I have the guilt of what I've just put my family through because I don't like being fat or feeling sleepy. How selfish, right?
I'm in the process of doing the Beth Moore study Believing God. I am realizing that I don't believe that my circumstance will ever change. Forgive me Lord for not believing You. And yet I struggle with the balance of ; what do I need to except and what do I need to continue to press in and change? And once again, I feel as if I'm back where I started. I don't know the answer. I know God wants me to live a victorious life and I don't feel I have it. Something needs to change, but how? Today is a day where I feel like giving up. Tomorrow, I'm sure will be different.

I've joined the Blog world.

Not sure what this will become - maybe just an extension of a prayer journal. Maybe a place for me to get honest with myself. Maybe just a place to share about our family. Who knows... It should be interesting.